Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

I have learned a lot about myself through posting to this blog. The most important of which is that I am a never-ending fountain of BS.

Tiny Tuesday

Okay I thought I might explain my fascination with midgets by giving you the back-story.

A few years ago (more than a few) right after I joined the military. Some buddies and I went to a porn store just outside the base gates. Don’t laugh you know you have been to porn stores too, we were just bored and to young to get into any clubs. All of my friends had plans to buy something while they were there, I did not. (cough, cough, bullshit, cough). I ended up leaving empty-handed though because I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. Me and a friend were scanning through the movies. I spent most of my time there because being so young and naive I didn’t realize there were that many porn movies made. After a while I started to scan for the more interesting titles skipping over such classics as “Back Door Sluts 9.” One that I found particularly amusing was “Titty slickers 2: Search for the Golden Curly.” After scanning the movies for a while and giggling to myself like a moron I came across the movie that changed my life. I didn’t even buy this movie and to this day I cannot tell you what the name of the movie actually was. What I can tell you though, is that it starred a budding new actress that changed the pornography industry; Bridget the Midget. This was an entirely new idea to me. I had never even thought about what a midget would look like nude. So I ran up to my friends gasping for air and crying from hilarious laughter as they thought I had lost my mind. I showed them the box for this particular movie and the majority of them thought it was just as funny as I did. This singular moment was the one that began an endless barrage of jokes, and started my fascination with Midgets.

It all started in a porn store, and amazingly it all went down hill from there.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Mandatory Monday

Let’s start off by saying I never feel very damn funny on Mondays. Lately I have been thinking that my blog posts are mostly negative and that I should do a post about the things that I appreciate in life. Monday is not the right fuckin day for that, so here is a post about all the things I hate about Monday.

-I start off my day every damn Monday tired as hell because I thought it was a good idea to take a nap (2 hours long) Sunday afternoon. So I don’t sleep very well Sunday night. One might think that after having done this a dozen times or so I would figure out that it sucks and I would not nap on Sundays.

-I hate Monday morning traffic. It takes me 10 minutes to get out of my neighborhood another 10 to get to the highway and 30 minutes to get to work from there. (See my previous post about hating people that drive slow in the fast lane). If you see a red Xterra riding your ass and flipping you the bird on Monday morning it is me wishing I had forks on the front of my car.

-Work!!! 8 effin hours of trying to keep from getting fired, and I hate every damn minute of it.


Friday, May 15, 2009

WTF Friday

Alright we are back to WTF Friday. Again with all things that make me say WTF.

-People that won’t allow me to follow at a safe distance (WTF). I hate it when I am trying to follow at a safe distance during five-o’clock traffic and someone comes and whips their car in between me and the person I am following. It just makes me want to ram them in the gas hole.

-Canadians (WTF).

-John and Kate plus 8 (WTF). I saw that they were going to be on Good Morning America this morning, together. I guess he got away with it. I never saw that coming. I thought she would have gone all ubber bitch on him and the white hot flash of bitchiness would have melted his face.

-Justin Timberlake (WTF). I watched SNL last week and I don’t think it is fair that one person gets that much effin talent. AND THE BASTARD IS GOOD AT GOLF!!!

-Al Gore (WTF). I got to watch “An Inconvenient Truth” a while back. Maybe I should say I had to watch it (for a class). Believe me I am not a huge George Bush fan, but I really think we dodged a bullet there. He is just an asshole.

-VH1 (WTF). I realize I am not going to get a lot of support on this one but I gotta say it. I am really tired of them making an effin reality show out of anything. (What’s worse about that is my wife has to watch them all).

-Barbra Walters (WTF). She scares the pee out of me. I don’t think she is really still alive.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Turdsday Thursday

This is a post about the turds I encounter daily that annoy the hell out of me.

-People driving the speed limit or slower in the left hand lane. I really wish I had forks on the front of my car so I could pick these annoying effers up and toss them to the side so I can keep going. Everyone in the left lane should be doing 5 mph over the speed limit or more.

-Fast food workers!!! I just want to tell them that if they can’t get this right they have no chance in hell to make it in this life.

-Salesmen of all kinds!!! If you are in sales don’t take offense to this. Just use it to make yourself a better salesman. SHUT THE HELL UP!!! If you stop talking for just a second maybe, just maybe, you will find out exactly what my needs are and what you need to sell me.

-People that butcher the English language. This is going to sound like it is racist or whatever but it is not intended to be, because I do appreciate other cultures and like to take part in them. However, I hate it when people that don’t know English butcher our language; this even applies to a lot of rednecks in Oklahoma. If you know that you can’t speak English well and you are going to be in a situation where it is necessary. I think it should be their responsibility to bring a translator.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Random thought of the day

I like to talk about things in such a way that it pisses people off or makes them laugh. I don't like pissed off people.

Whatever Wednesday

Okay I am going to try to make this one quick, hence the name quick hits. I know that all the people that are following my blog are women and believe me I am sensitive to that, but I just have to talk about John and Kate plus 8.

I have been hearing a lot about this in media over the past week or so. Am I the only one on earth that has actually watched this show? It is no effin surprise to me that John cheated. KATE IS A FRIGGIN BITCH. All I hear is "they seemed like they were such a happy couple," and I just don't think these people are paying attention to what is actually happening on the show. When Kate isn't treating him like he is the 9th edition to their harem of children; she is incessantly bitching at him.

Okay I know I am going to get some posts about how I am an insensitive bastard and she has 8 children which is enough for anyone to be a bitch. My only rebuttal about this is that she is a bitch even when their kids aren't around. On one episode that my wife made me watch Kate made John go get his teeth whitened for his "Daddy's day." Do you know how I know she made him do this? How many effin men do you know that get some free time and think I am going to get my teeth whitened? Not many, if you know any.
(Here is a little peak in the mind of a man when he gets some free time). WOO HOO I have a free day all to myself. What am I going to do with my day? I think I am going to start by drinking myself into an unknown state of coolness at (insert random bar name here). Then after I close that bar down I am going to find a group of people that are having an after-party and I am going to show them how to party. I may even snort some coke off a hooker’s ass tonight. (Here is what actually happens that day). We call our best friend who gets us into trouble a lot, and we go and play golf with that person until 4:30 during which time we kill a 6-pack together. After walking six miles around a golf course and being half drunk, because we just don't put them away like we used to anymore. We are tired but still ready to go, because we are excited about our free day. Hungry from our tiring day on the golf course we decide to grab a bite and a beer at “Fridays”. After a huge meal, that will inevitably keep us awake that night, and a few more beers (5 total now) we are starting to wear down. After making excuses to each other about how we have something to take care of at home, we drag our sorry drunk tired asses to the house so that our wives can make us feel guilty about something, or a bunch of things, that didn’t get done because we took advantage of a “free day”. Later that night we regret the decision to go spicy with our food choice at Fridays and the next 3 days we regret the decision to have that 5th beer. So since John opted to go for the teeth whitening instead of this obviously better option one can only assume that it was motivated by his super bitchy wife, who just couldn’t wait till after he got home from Fridays.